Sta.sh
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I usually don't bother writing in this thing because it's not "me" to keep a journal or put my experiences in a public place because I can't understand why anyone would read someone else's journal, but I don't know where else to really write about this.
Since the spring of last year, my twin sister has been gravely depressed; she was a weepy basketcase all year, getting a little better during the fall. Every day she would cry at least once, throw "fits", (headbanging, tremens) cut and scratch at herself.... for months I have been doing my best to try and keep her together, comfort her, praise her, carry that extra burden for her.... Even when I was recovering from surgery I still had to carry her emotionally.
Now it's the end of January; our parents had hoped she'd start looking for work when she got back here and she's spent the whole month seeing counsellors and advisors and therapists, paralyzed with fear at the thought of going out and trying to be employable. She's rapidly going downhill again, and I no longer have the energy to carry her. I can't concentrate on my university work, let alone think to my own future when my every waking hour is plagued with fears and concerns over her. I try to be home so I can be with her and watch over her; whenever she's at her single class, (an extra credit she just felt like taking) I worry that she's going to be sad or hurting herself again. Again. Again. Again. I told her I'd have her put away if she cut herself again.... she has since, and I still havn't lived up to that promise. She insists that I won't/can't have her committed.
Everything I've done and said.... everything our family, friends, counsellors, psychiatrists, classmates, teachers, aquaintances.... all the praise, help, encouragement... it's had no effect on her. Everything is shit and rust to her; she has no confidence and hates herself so much she simply refuses to let herself believe that she has talent and other people might find her valuable or likeable. I don't know what to do to help her anymore... I can't concentrate on my university work and spend all my time worrying that she's going to hurt herself. It hurts so much to see her this unhappy for so long.
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It's no cakewalk being psychotically depressed, either, let me tell you all. It's fucking SCARY. I'm sure you specifically, yang, already know this, actually, but I think some of the respondents here don't. I'm doing meds, I'm doing therapy and things STILL hurt all the time. They STILL frighten me. And they probably will for a very long time until we stumble on something that works. Because that's the only way psychiatric medicine works, guys. Trial and error. Fear can pervade everything. So can pain and sadness. It can cripple. Some of you "it's easier to be sad than happy" people need to realise that depression of this calibre is not an attitude, it's a disease. Like diabetes or epilepsy or MS, it's permanent, and it has to be treated, and it is LIMITING. You wouldn't tell an MS patient to "snap out of it" and go for a walk, would you? It's exactly the same.
No, I'm serious. I was that way for quite a while, and still get that way sometimes. Occasionally, you need some time on meds.
I won't share my meds stories, they're kinda' scary.
And being institutionalized rarely helps much.
You might consider finding a different therapist/whatever. Some therapists can use methods that work for most people, but are wholly inappropriate for others. (I speak from experience!) Some people need a real hardass who forces them to cope. Some people need it real slow and steady. I needed someone who taught me where some of my anxieties were coming from. That somehow made them less.
And I REALLY hate to say this, but sometimes getting stoned and staring at the ceiling is a great way to get in touch with yourself and feel better. But not when they're as fallen-apart as this.
I have enough coping mechanisms these days to choke a horse. Feel free to contact me somehow, I'm around and willing to listen.
I really don't want her put away and know that it won't do much good, but I feel kind of hopeless and helpless and frightened being stuck here all alone, over 2 hours away from any relatives and over 4 hours away from relatives I'd care to ask for help from...... ugh.
The entire "no family to turn to" thing is hard... Any possibility you can find a counselor for her? Even if it's just someone to talk to. Also, and I doubt this helps, but maybe finding a support group for acute Depressives would be smart. Maybe actually inserting some distractions, or finding the "root" of the cause. (I always balk at saying it might be chemical, because even chemical problems can be treated with some good old-fashioned therapy if you get the right people, and chemical solutions can permanently damage you...)
If you really need to, is there some way you can help her get therapy without your folks finding out?
I really don't know of any advice I could possibly give, or what I could say, other than hold on, it's got to get better from here on in.
Hey...
*hugs*
I don't really have anything really insightful to add. Just a sorta out-there idea. Maybe you could get her to start a livejournal or blog somewhere. Less about getting support from faceless people on the net, but a chance for her to get her feelings out in a way that is less viceral and transitory.
...anyhow...you know I'm always here and thinking 'bout ya and your sister. You know my email, my aim, and not sure if you know it, but you can message me on my LJ . [link]